Bits and Pieces
by n33n
Summary: VIII: 'Here, try this,' Sirius said and threw over a bright blue, voluptuous bra. It tangled itself into James’s already messy hair.' Erm. EVEN MORE awkward? [COMPLETE]
1. I

**Bits and Pieces**

By: neen

* * *

Yep. Decided to try something new. A bit of a parody. It's weird. But funny, I hope.

Here's to summer almost being here and exams almost being over…and rave reviews? Enjoy!

* * *

"_What_, Potter?" Lily asked of the tall boy, looking annoyed at James's agonizingly long ruffling with his hair and his unwavering stare at her. "Do you honestly think that just because you unkempt your hair, I'm going to fall into this fanatical frenzy of love with you? Maybe a bit of snogging or eating face on the side?"

"Why. Yes." James looked astounded as Lily read through his thoughts. "Do you have the _EYE_?"

Lily rolled her eyes at this comment and sighed. "No, but, well, you are _so right_ about the snogging bit. Come here, you hot breast."

"CUT! Wait, **_breast_**? That wasn't in our script, was it?" James asked, confused.

"Yes." Lily nodded, confirming this and showing him the parchment she had stowed inside her robe pocket. "**_Breast_**, because the authoress accidentally typed that in instead of 'beast', and for funny effects, she decided to leave it in instead of erasing my words."

"Oh, okay. Continue!" James said with great delight as Lily looked at James with a hungry look in her eye.

"Come to me, _**you sexy breastling**_!" Lily shouted passionately and grabbed hold of James's unruly hair that she so loves, pulled him ever so close to her, and smashed her lips against James, creating a burning, undying desire from both ends.

Slowly, Lily pulled apart from the tangled hair and throbbing lips.

"**_Damn_**."

Lily grinned at James's comment and pulled James towards her again.

Let the snog fest begin!

_**TWO HOURS LATER**_

Lily and James tore off of each other, breathless. Panting, Lily reached up to smooth down her unruly hair.

"Man, you are _**so** _good," James said, wheezing, but grinning. "That was amazing. The best I've had—ever."

"Thanks." Lily said in a concise manner, as she was still trying to catch her breath.

"You know, I'm surprised that we didn't have sex, considering all the passion we had."

"I know. But, the damn authoress doesn't want anything too intense, because it'd probably scar her mind forever," Lily said, laughing.

She stopped in the middle of a giggle and attempted to speak. Nothing came out.

Lily's eyes opened wide, and she flew into a panic, desperately clinging on to James.

James looked confused as well. "I think you might have pissed off the authoress."

In big letters on her script with the quill that magically (hah!) appeared in her hand, she wrote, "SORRY."

Immediately, her voice came back.

She coughed and looked around. "Isn't it weird that there's someone dictating what we're doing and saying? Like this now…I don't have control over my mind."

"That's surreal," James said, and then quickly said, "So, what were we talking about?"

Lily glowered at him until James quickly explained in an undertone that the authoress wanted to get a move on.

"Oh!" Her face considerably brightened, and she smiled. "We were talking about sex. Kind of."

"Lack of?" James asked, clarifying.

"Yeah. I'm a bit too pooped to do anything right now though," Lily said, looking sorry about it.

"Not a whim of worry in the world, Lily, my dear!" James said zealously and cuddled her in his scrawny arms.

"I RESENT THAT!" James shouted. "My arms are muscular and defined."

_Ahem…_

"Not a whim of worry in the world, Lily, my dear!" James said zealously and cuddled her in his _strong, powerful_ arms. "We can just look like the legendary couple we are and embrace cutely."

"I agree wholeheartedly with that proposition."

"Hey, you do know that I love you now right? After this snog fest?" James asked, looking adoringly at the angel in his lap. An angel without wings, but you know, still an angel. Or are those elves? Lily _did _have pointed ears…

"Yep. I love you too. I've just never attempted to voice my great, wonderful feelings of pure, unadulterated love for you out loud before because I'm obviously such a wet blanket, and I never thought that you really liked me, as Lily Marie Evans, for who I am, and I was so insecure about everything, and I'm a commitment-phobic person, except, you know, when it comes down to you, James Henry Potter, it all melts away and disappears, and I feel so safe and protected, and yes, I love you very, very much," Lily rambled on the world's longest run-on sentence recorded.

"You wet the bed still?" James asked, referring to Lily's 'wet blanket' term.

An annoyed look crossed Lily's face as it seemed that James only heard 'wet blanket'.

"A _wet blanket_," Lily stressed, a bit angry, "is a pessimist. Someone who thinks things for the worst."

James looked enlightened. "Oh!"

"Yeah." Lily looked relieved that James had caught on so quick and dropped the subject.

_Tant pis_. Or in other words, for those who are French-impaired, 'Take a piss.' Actually, it means 'too bad'. But 'take a piss' is much better.

"Because you know, I totally thought that the term 'wet blanket' meant pissing on the sheets or something. Wouldn't that suck to wake up in the morning and to find all your blanket soggy and yellow, and absolutely reeking of smelly ammonia stuff, and then it's all over your legs and clothes, and people stare at you because you're, one, wet, second, yellow-looking, third, stinking, fourth—"

Lily stopped James in the middle of his diatribe by launching herself at his lips.

She leaned back from the kiss and swatted him. "Don't say stupid things. It turns me on."

"Uhhh," James managed to say intelligently.

"_Stop_!" Lily cried out, but it was hopeless. Lily zoomed straight for James's lips once more.

"EUUUUUURNGH," was James's muffled reply, which made Lily close in on his lips over and over…and over again.

It was going to be a very long night, indeed.

* * *

Author's Note:

Sorry it's a bit short, but this was totally random, and not really of relevance to any of my other stories, but I decided to give it a try.

Till the next time I decide to have a low-on-brain cells, but let's see if I can produce something witty fast-type inspiration.

Thanks, and reviews would be great.


	2. II

**Bits and Pieces**

By: neen

* * *

WHOA. THERE'S A SECOND PART TO THIS ABSOLUTELY POINTLESS THING? Am I certified insane? Yeah, I know you're thinking that. But, it's okay. I have a reason: I'm loaded on a double shot of espresso, a caramel latte, and orange juice. I realize that orange juice has no caffeine and is made of 100 pure juice (says Minute Maid), but I'm still including that with my drink craze. Enjoy!

* * *

**II.

* * *

**

"You're incredible, Lily flower," James said, looking doe-eyed at Lily with a loving expression. "Fantastic, terrific, wonderful, magnificent, mesmerizing, and magical."

Lily snorted loudly. "Stop that; you look like a twit."

James frowned. "_Lily_! You're supposed to be in love with me now! Remember?"

Lily took out the quite wrinkled piece of parchment and scanned in quickly. "Oh. Right, we just confirmed our dying love for each other."

James narrowed his eyes at her sentence. "_Dying_?"

Lily shrugged indifferently. "Undying, sorry."

"I don't like the sound of that."

"By the way, the atrocious nickname 'Lily flower' is so incredibly fluffy that I'm insulted by it. I'm out of love with you now," Lily says, wearing an offended face.

"NOO! This can't be happening! Would you like it better if I called you…_Furball_, perhaps?" James asked in a panicky voice. "Would Furball work?"

Lily's expression softened immediately and took one of pure adoration. "I've always wanted someone to call me that! Oh, **_breastling_**!"

"Oh, Furball, _must _you call me that?" James asked, only slightly annoyed. The only thing that mattered was that he had made Lily happy. Well, the only thing besides his stomach rumbling anyways.

"Oh, but it suits you so well!" Lily said with extreme passion, and then giving a seductive grin, continued, "And—it turns me on, each time I get to breathe it."

James eyebrows shot straight into his hair. "Oh! Well, anything that suits you, Furry!"

Lily frowned. "NO. Not _Furry_. Just Fur-ball. Do not shorten my nickname unless you want me to cut off _your_ second part of _my_ nickname."

James frowned as well. "Wait, that doesn't make sense. What are you trying to say? Furball is one word, is it not? Or! Are you referring to my balls being furry? Because, well, I'm sure they're quite--"

Lily rolled her eyes at his stupidity and quickly interrupted. "--_No_. It's hyphenated between the 'fur' and the 'ball'."

"Oh!" James nodded, as if understanding. "So, you're going to cut off my second part of your nickname. Fur-ball. Ball? You're going to cut off my furry **ball**?"

"Yep!" Lily said, a smug smirk on her face.

"So, not _ball**s**,_ just ball?" James asked.

"Mmm hmm."

"Oh. So, you're going to have to choose or something? Something like which one has more hair?"

"YES! NOW BLOODY SHUT UP AND KISS ME!"

"Kiss you?" James asked, bewildered. "That's not very random at all…"

Lily shook her head in disbelief. "Breastling, it's _time_! We're on schedule to kiss at this moment, and we would have been on the right track with all the fluff talk, but _noo_, **someone **just had to keep asking questions until we run out of time, and now we're late! Oh, and the fact that you're acting completely stupid, which turns me on, so just _mmphf_!—"

They broke off exactly thirty seconds later.

"All better?" James asked. "Was I at the thirty second mark yet?"

"Yeah," Lily said, breathless, "Great job, breasts."

"Same to you, Fur-ball."

"So, let's see," Lily started, looking at the parchment again. "Aha! 11:16 A.M. You're supposed to say, '_Lily, why do you hate me so much anyways? Can't we just forget everything and move on with it?_' It also has a footnote that says to act passionate and determined."

"Okay. Can I substitute the word 'Lily' with 'Fur-Ball' now that we've established it?" James asked sweetly.

"Have at it."

"Fur-ball, why do you hate me so much anyways? Can't we just forget everything and move on with it?" James asked, looking very solemn.

"Of course, big breasts! Wait a minute, didn't we confess our love and stuff already? I should've forgiven you already, right?" Lily asked, confusion taking over her brain.

"Right."

Lily looked at the date of the paper. "Agh! This is one from a week ago! Now, where's the one for today's conversation?" Lily checked her pockets, but simply could not find it.

"Whatever," Lily muttered furiously. "Let's just do this one again. I like the phrases I get to say and stuff anyways."

"So I start at the 'Fur-ball, why do you hate me' stuff?"

"_Yes. _Do you _have_ to repeat everything I tell you to do again?" Lily said, irritated.

"Aw, Fur-Ball. You're being mean."

"Oh, my apologies, breastling. Don't worry about it," Lily said, melting into a puddle of goop at the mere mention of her new nickname.

"Fur-ball, why do you hate me so much anyways? Can't we just forget everything and move on with it?" James asked, looking very solemn. (Deja-vu?)

"Well, it's just—I've always held a grudge for you when you cut off my hair," Lily explained in a kind tone.

"When was this?" James asked, looking concerned.

"Well…"

_"HEY, LILY EVANS!" An obnoxious boy of eleven years old shouted loudly and waved frantically at a cute redhead sitting in the corner of the Common Room._

_"HEY, JAMES POTTER!" Lily shouted back with a grin._

_"What's that?" James asked, pointing at a fuzzy looking rabbit Lily was clutching in her hand as she read._

_"It's Fibbs. He's really comfy, and helps keep me calm when I read," Lily explained sweetly._

_"Oh! And what if I did this?" James said and muttered the charm for cutting, and Fibbs' ears fell to the floor._

_Lily smiled. "It's okay. I just learned this. Reparo."_

_Fibbs' ears were back on. _

_"Cutta." _

"Wait, Fur-Ball—_Cutta_'s really the spell for cutting?" Present-day James asked of a ticked-off Lily.

"It is now!" Lily said furiously and continued with her story.

"_Cutta_."

"_Reparo_."

"_Cutta_."

"_Reparo_."

"_Cutta, cutta, cutta."_

_"Reparo._"

"_Hey! That's not fair. I had to say it three times, and you only said it once!" _

_The petite Lily shrugged._

_"Why aren't you mad? Why aren't you mad, LILY EVANS?" James demanded angrily and then, on impulse, shouted, "CUTTA" at Lily's hair._

_Wisps of the brilliant copper hair flowed down elegantly and encircled the small girl's shaking frame. The unshed droplets of dihydrogen monoxide (H20) shined in her orbs of refreshing jade._

James cleared his throat loudly to grab Lily's attention. It brought her back to reality. "Stop with the whole embellishing thing. Fur-ball, you absolute narcissist."

Lily growled. "It was a beautiful description. But that is beside the point. The point being that I couldn't repair my hair, so I had to wait until it all grew back, which was years. So, that's why I hated you, boobs."

"Oh, okay. I guess I can take that."

An awkward silence passed for 2.18 seconds. It was quite short because James remembered he forgot to put on his new cologne this morning. And he heard that the cologne could do _wonders_. He grinned as he thought of obscene thoughts of Lily and him.

"Hang on, Fur-Ball. I've got something special for you," James said, giving a mysterious smile.

"An aphrodisiac?" Lily asked teasingly.

James looked very serious. "Quite possibly."

"Oh, heh."

PSSSSSSSS. James sprayed his cologne on his hands and slapped it on his neck and chest. _Mmm_.

"That smell," Lily began, and took another huge sniff, flaring her nostrils quite widely.

"Yeah. Delightful, isn't it? It's Burnt Orange Almond Muffin cologne. Quite manly, I must admit," James said proudly. "I had the house-elves special make it for me."

Suddenly, Lily began to sneeze. "ACHOO."

"Merlin Charm You," James responded pleasantly.

Lily continued to sneeze uncontrollably. "ACHOO, ACHOO, ACHOO."

"Merlin Charm You. Merlin Charm You. Merlin Charm You," James said, all in one breath with a congenial smile plastered across his face.

"I'm—ACHOO—allergic—ACHOO, ACHOO—to—_sniffle_—ALMONDS!" Lily shouted, spraying snot and spit everywhere.

James was showered down with it. "Lovely snot you have hanging out of your nose, Fur-Ball. It's quite sexy. I would lick it up, but I dunno if that's sanitary or not. I guess I could pretend it was whip cream or something…"

"EW! BOOBS, stop it! You're acting stupid again, and you know what happens when you're—just kiss me," Lily said with a moan, wiping her nose quickly.

"Of course, Fur-Ball." _Hah! I knew that cologne is **magical**.

* * *

_

Author's Note:

I REALLY should be studying for Chemistry…but as that's not going too well, I decided to do this. Hope it was funny enough! And hopefully, I'll have some more reviews to cheer me up after I've done so crappily on my chem exam?

One can dream...

Thanks, and reviews would be great.


	3. III

**

* * *

Bits and Pieces**

By: neen

* * *

Hmm. Just a celebration of summer. ONE MORE EXAM TO GO! Woot.

Enjoy.

* * *

**III.

* * *

**

Lily was gagging by the time they had finished snogging.

"I think—my—_gasp_—throat's—_gasp, gasp_—closing up," Lily informed, trying to breathe, but finding it _very_ hard to do so. "Allergies!"

"Oh."

"Help—_gasp_—please?" Lily said, breathing in and out.

"Sure." James leaned over, and pressed his lips on Lily's mouth.

Lily spluttered and pushed him away. "_Gasp_. I NEED AIR, James! _GAAAASP."_

"Oh." James racked his brain, trying to think of something. "Should I help you over to the Hospital Wing then?"

Lily nodded furiously, glad that James finally thought of something sensible to say.

"Right, then. Let's go!" James said cheerfully and led the way. Too bad Lily didn't follow him.

James paused, feeling as if Lily had not quite stepped up yet. He turned around and saw Lily on the ground, breathing desperately, and with a murderous glint in her eye.

"Eh, sorry." James said sheepishly and came back to her.

"My—_gasp_—purse. Look—_gasp—_inside for long white—_wheeze_—breathing thing," Lily tried to say in simple terms.

"Erm, okay." James zipped open Lily's purse and rummaged around a few seconds.

"Ah! I've found it!" James said proudly, and his hand emerged from the purse with a long, white, tampon.

Lily widened her eyes, not sure whether or not to feel embarrassed or laugh at the absurdity of James thinking the tampon was a respirator.

James bounced over and stuffed it into Lily's left nostril. "There! All better, Fur-ball?"

Lily, who at this time, was having an extremely difficult time breathing, now had something blocking her left nostril's air passage, which was the nostril that _wasn't_ stuffed up. The good nostril. So, now, all her air was blocked.

Oh, and since her throat was blocked, well, let's just say that at the moment, Lily had no oxygen intake whatsoever.

Her face was turning quite a pretty shade of blue. Cerulean, I believe it's called.

James, feeling a burst of intelligence, thought something might be wrong. Quickly, he reached over and unplugged the respirator from Lily's left nostril. Lily's cheeks turned a healthier pink. Her breathing turned from nothing to ragged shakes.

"Maybe it was the wrong way in. No—wait, it has a _wrapper _on it! No wonder you couldn't breathe through it! Sorry, Fur-Ball," James apologized and opened the tampon up.

"Oh. I don't see a breathing thing hole," James said, looking confused, as he inspected the newly opened tampon closely.

Meanwhile, Lily was clinging on to her last breath.

"Ohh! James opened up the tampon, revealing a string. "A string? How is a string supposed to help you breathe?"

He glanced at Lily, who was slowly turning cerulean blue again.

"Oh, crap!"

"_GAAAAASP. _WRONG THING!" Lily wheezed out. "_TAMPON."_

"Oh. YOU MEAN I JUST TOUCHED A FEMININE HYGIENE PRODUCT?" James asked, looking absolutely horrified. "THE THING GIRLS USE TO **_CATCH THEIR PERIOD'S BLOOD FLOW?_**"

Lily sighed, but it ended up sounding like a hacking cough.

"THE THING YOU INSERT INSIDE YOUR **_VAGINA_**?" James continued crazily until he saw Lily's pained look.

"Umm, how about this?" James asked, pulling out a bronzer tube brush. "Here, lemme open it for you."

James clawed it open, breaking it. The contents spewed in the air, casting the shimmery powder everywhere. James let out a shrill girlish scream. "OH, FOR THE LOVE OF MERLIN! _IT'S AN EXPLODING TAMPON_! **TAMPON BOMB! **AHHHHHHH!"

James finally quieted down after two minutes of running around screaming 'EXPLODING TAMPON BOMB!' very loudly. He resumed his search of a breathing apparatus for Lily in Lily's purse. His fingers ran across a white, long, breathing thing that had a hole for a mouth insertion.

"Ohh." James said, realization dawning on him. So _this_ was a respirator!

Proudly, he brandished the respirator he had just found like a trophy and turned around to show Lily.

Lily would have been **_so_ **proud.

Except for one thing. She had already passed out from not being able to breathe, and was looking a ghastly dark blue. Like marine blue.

"_SHIT_!" James cursed loudly and promptly stuffed the respirator into Lily's mouth and carried her to the Hospital Wing.

o.O.o.O.o

"Poms, is she gonna be all right?" James asked, desperately, as he saw that Lily's face was not turning any pinker.

Madam Pomfrey prodded Lily's face with her wand. "I'm afraid she's gone."

"**_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_**!" James let out an agonizingly long and pained war cry.

"She'll be better in a couple of hours," Madam Pomfrey continued evenly.

"NO, SHE WON'T!" James cried hysterically. "SHE'S DEAD. HOW CAN SHE BE BETTER IF SHE'S DEAD?"

Madam Pomfrey raised an eyebrow. "Young man, you are insane. I haven't the slightest notion what you're going on about. Ms. Evans will be breathing correctly in a few hours. Now, _shoo_! No visitors allowed until she's all better."

"Oh."

"Well? What are you waiting for? On with it. Out—out!" Madam Pomfrey said impatiently as she pushed a reluctant James out and closed a curtain around Lily's bed.

"So, you're _sure_ she's going to be all right?" James pressed worriedly. "I accidentally stuffed a tampon in her nose, and then I made a tampon bomb explode. So I dunno if you're going to still think she's going to be all right."

"A _tampon_? Good grief, boy! What were you trying to do with her? Only Merlin knows. My heavens, that explains the string coming out of her nose…" Madam Pomfrey shook her head, looking disgusted at James.

"No, no," James said, defending himself, "I wasn't trying any funny business, Poms."

"OUT OF MY HOSPITAL, _NOW_, POTTER!" Madam Pomfrey said angrily. "BEFORE I FORCE THIS CONCOCTION DOWN YOUR THROAT!"

Madam Pomfrey held up a gooey and bubbling puke-green mixture threateningly.

"Right!" James said quickly and left the building.

o.O.o.O.o

As promised, a couple hours later, James came back with high hopes that Lily was better.

"Fur-Ball, you okay now?" James asked softly, sitting at Lily's side.

Lily's eyes flew open, and she took in a deep breath. Then she erupted into gales of laughter.

"Oh, dear!" She laughed loudly. "Tampon! _You took apart a tampon_!"

James looked highly embarrassed, and his cheeks were burning. "Yeah. And then that tampon bomb thing exploded. That was bad."

Lily shook her head. "That was my bronzer. Makeup. It's sparkly powder in a tube. _Not_ a tampon bomb."

"Oh," James said in a small voice, wondering if things could get any worse.

They did.

"And," Lily continued, now looking enraged, "you left me there on the ground for fifty minutes trying to find a bloody respirator! You stuck a _tampon_ in my nose, then you broke my favorite makeup product! On top of all of that, you let me pass out, when I was suffering from allergies from _your_ sodding cologne that smells moldy and burnt!"

"Er." James said eloquently. "My apologies, Fur-Ball?"

Like James had anticipated, Lily's expression softened at the mention of her nickname. "It s'all right. Besides, that was hilarious."

"Good," James leaned in, and another snogging fest quickly followed.

"AIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" A shocked and horrified scream interrupted them.

It was Madam Pomfrey, looking like she was about to have a cardiac arrest. "_No funny business_, you say, Potter? What's _THIS_?"

James blanched. "Erm, actually, Poms, it's not what you think…"

"OUT!"

"But—"

"I STILL HAVE THAT POTION READY, POTTER!"

"Poop head."

Forty-two seconds later, one could find James Potter puking his guts out in the closest trash can. It seems that Madam Poms _did_ force down the potion.

Oh, really, you ask?

Really.

James Potter had grown unmistakable boobage.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

* * *

Author's Note:

Yeah, in case this wasn't enough for you, you guys can check out **Odds and Ends** and see if it suits you. It's not as funny as this, but almost as random!

Thanks, and reviews would be great.


	4. IV

**Bits and Pieces**

By: neen

* * *

Oh dear. This is getting out a hand. A story…with almost a plot. This is against all rules! Eek. It's not much of a parody anymore, because I've really enjoyed the randomness of it, and surprisingly enough, I have this going somewhere. Sorry for those of you who liked the parody.

Enjoy.

* * *

**IV.

* * *

**

"Oh, bugger this all," James cursed, looking at himself in the large mirror in the Hospital Wing.

Lily was set off into a series of cackles. "That's so hilarious!"

"Aw, Lily, you're supposed to be supportive of me," James whined sadly.

"Sorry. I find this rather funny," Lily grinned cheekily.

"Hey!" James exclaimed suddenly, excited. His eyes lit up.

"What happened now, Potter?" Lily asked, looking quite amused.

"I have _boobs_," James declared proudly and gave his new appendages a hearty, greedy squeeze. "They're nice and firm."

"Oh, dear Merlin," Lily rolled her eyes as she gave a disgusted fake heave at the sight before her. James groping himself in front of her. Lovely. "You pervert. You realize you're feeling _yourself_ up, don't you?"

"I'm looking _hot_," James said, examining his womanly items in the mirror closely. He prodded his boobs, and looked satisfied with them.

"Ahem."

"Blimey, I can't wait to go to the bathroom," James said, giving Lily a suggestive wink.

"Oh, MERLIN! This is horrid day to all girls. _James Potter_, female," Lily sighed, and then added as an afterthought, "You're going to have a bit of fun, _Jamie_, dearest."

James grinned widely. "I know."

"No, that's not what I mean."

"No?"

"No. Just wait till your period comes," Lily said, suppressing a snicker.

"_Period_?" James gasping, looking absolutely horrified. "A _period_?"

"Or the female menstruation cycle. Whatever term suits you more," Lily said, shrugging.

"CRAPPITY CRAP IT. You mean I have to stick one of those _tampon_ thingies up my _arse_?" James asked, looking paler by the second.

Lily smirked. "For about five to seven days, yeah."

"FIVE TO SEVEN DAYS!" James yelped, blanching.

"Yeah. Depends on how much bloo—"

"—NO! DON'T SAY THAT BLASTED WORD. IT'LL CURSE ME," James interrupted, hysterical. "I CAN'T TAKE IT!"

"What?" Lily asked, feigning innocence. "_Blood_?"

"Bugger it!" James cursed again and then, oddly enough, began whimpering loudly. "I think I feel something _wet_—**_down there_**!"

"Just your imagination, I s'ppose. Why don't you go check up on it?" Lily asked, her smirk widening. "I have some extra tampons if you happen to _need_ some, Jamie."

"Don't call me that!" James shrieked wildly and ran off towards the bathroom.

He ran into the boys' bathroom, earning him several whistle calls and scandalizing comments.

"AHHHHHHHH! THE GIRL'S LOO! I NEED THE GIRL'S LOO," James said, panting as he ran back out. He glanced at Lily desperately, who pointed left.

Now, one can see where Harry Potter gets his happy caps-locking all the words he says from. I must admit, it _does _seem to be a genetic disease…

After several long minutes, one James Henry Potter emerged from the girls' bathroom.

"You guys have stalls?" was the first thing that popped out of his mouth. "With _doors_?"

"No blood, Jamie?" Lily asked, ignoring his question.

"Nope," James said cheerfully. "I just pissed on myself. Well, I actually pissed on my underwear, so I guess, if you want to be technical, that isn't directly _on_ m—"

Lily made a disgusted look. "Bleh, Jamie! _Do_ stop. And yes, we _do _have doors and stalls."

"That's a brilliant notion! How come the guys' bathroom architect person didn't think of that? I don't exactly mind broadcasting my privates to the world, but what if some people have puny little pen—"

"Jamie. _STOP_," Lily commanded, irritated.

"Yes, Lily," James acquiesced sourly. "Oooh. Guess what _I _saw?"

"Your first vagina?" Lily asked, getting bored of this conversation.

"Actually, it was my—_hmm_—I think eighth?" James pondered a minute, calculating, giving Lily a secretive smile.

Lily stared at James. "James, do not _ever_ tell me your sex history again."

"I was just joking, Lily," James said weakly. "It _was_ my first."

"HAH! _James Potter is a virgin_!" Lily said, grinning widely.

James, to Lily's great surprise, blushed. "No need to tell it to the world, Lily."

Lily grinned back at him cheekily.

"Anyways," James continued, "I wasn't going to say vagina. I was going to say that I saw my first roll of toilet paper."

Lily stopped smiling. "_First _roll of toilet paper. Your **first **roll of toilet paper. Have you been living under a cauldron or something?"

James happily shook his head. "No. It's just that the guys' bathroom never has toilet paper stocked up."

"What do you use then?" Lily asked, curious.

"_Well_, actually, we don't really u—"

"Okay, you can stop right there. I think I got it," Lily said, feeling a bit sick.

James looked up at her. "Lily, do you really love me?"

"Well, if the authoress made me say it, then I suppose so, right?" Lily answered with an uncertain look.

James looked uneasy. "I dunno. You don't seem like you do—yet."

Lily raised an eyebrow at his last word. "You're implying…?"

James nodded eagerly. "Screw this stupid parchment act-out thing. We're doing our thing. Living out our own legacy. Didn't you say that you were freaked out about how this authoress controlled every movement, every word of yours?"

Lily nodded. "Yes, but, what if she _finds out_?"

James grinned. "She would've stopped us by now, wouldn't she?"

Lily smiled as well. "That's true. Soo. I just wanted to tell you that you're an excellent kisser."

"Thank you kindly, Lily. The same goes for you," James said elegantly.

"Secondly, I would like for you to know that you turn me on, _a lot_."

"As you do for me," James smiled.

"And most of all, I want you to know that I still dislike you a lot. I have no idea how I even agreed to go along to the script in the first place."

"Same he—wait, _what_? You don't _like_ me still?" James asked, looking hurt and bewildered.

Lily almost regretted her words. But it was the truth. She tried to explain in a kinder tone. "Well, you **are** an annoying little prat. And sometimes, I would give anything to stab your eye out and stomp on it. And then there are those rest of the times that I want to send you through the meat grinder and feed your parts to the Giant Squid. But besides that, you're all right."

"Wait. Didn't you say sometimes, then the rest of the time? So, I'm never all right?" James asked shrewdly.

Lily was afraid he would catch that. "Erm, yes?"

"Oh, okay." James said, surprisingly not looking depressed.

"You're not mad?"

"Nope."

"Depressed?"

"Nah."

"About to go jump off from the balcony of the window next to my bed and commit suicide?"

"I _was_ looking for a window. Thanks, Lily."

"Wait!"

"Yeah?"

"Please don't commit suicide. I don't want that on my conscious."

"Oh. Well, I was just trying to open the window and let you have some fresh air."

"Oh," came Lily's small voice. "Thanks, James. That's really nice of you."

"You're welcome, Lily."

A silence followed.

"_Man_, these boobies are killing me," James groaned, holding them up through his shirt and therefore breaking the silence.

Lily sighed. This James as a girl business would have some getting used to.

* * *

Author's Note:

Yes, yes, I know. I **did **change it a bit. Okay, a _lot_. But I think this is better, because I can have more things to write about. And the idea just kinda popped into my head and molded itself into this story. Somehow. Hope you guys understand.

**However, if you guys don't like this approach, just tell me in a review, and I'll switch back. **

Thanks, and I always like reviews!

But no reviews for last chapter? SOB. I'm guessing you guys didn't like it very much?

Hopefully, this will get more feedback.


	5. V

**Bits and Pieces**

By: neen

* * *

Yay, got more reviews. But I'm updating mostly because…drum roll…I AM DONE WITH EXAMS. FINISHED. Until next year…

Anyways. Please review, so I can see if people actually like this, or if they're giving me weird looks that hint at maybe I should call the local psychiatric wing in the hospital. Which, I have the number for.

Enjoy.

* * *

**V.**

"Lily?"

"Yes, Potter?"

"I, um, what am I supposed to do now?"

"Erm, about what?"

"_I'm a girl_," James said, looking embarrassed as he gave his boobs a gentle squeeze. "And _these _are dragging me down!"

Lily snorted with laughter. "So? What did Madam Pomfrey say about it anyways?"

James face paled abnormally white. "She told me that this potion wears off in _a month_! I'm supposed to go around as a female specimen for _four weeks, thirty days, seven hundred twenty hours, forty-three thousand, two hundred minutes, and two million, five hundred ninty-two thousand seconds_! And there's no spell to change me back beforehand!"

"Actually," Lily chirped, "It's thirty-_one_ days this month, so your calculations are all wrong. It's actually going to be seven hundred _forty-fo_—"

James groaned very loudly, drowning out Lily's corrections.

"I think I'm going to jump out that window I just opened."

"Jumping's not always the solution, Potter," Lily said, playing with the sheets on the hospital bed.

"Thanks, Lily. I knew you'd stop me from murdering myself," James said, shooting Lily a grateful look.

"You might want to try flinging yourself out. That way, instead of jumping and breaking all your knee caps and joints and therefore causing a messy clean up for the house-elves, you would just splatter on the ground," Lily continued cheerfully.

"Oh," James mumbled, looking quite put out.

"But," Lily added later, causing James's face to light up, "it'll still cause quite a large mess."

"Yeah. So I shouldn't take my own life, then?" James asked Lily hopefully, hoping she would dissuade him from doing so.

"Oh, _no_, I never suggested that. I think you should still. But first, you should attach some pillows around you to minimize the splattering of guts and organs oozing out," Lily said thoughtfully.

James frowned.

"Or, maybe you should take another approach, Potter."

"Yeah?" James brightened. Perhaps Lily would now talk him out of this suicide attempt.

"How about you just drink arsenic?" Lily suggested helpfully, and pointed to the medicine cabinet.

James's heart saddened at this and because he could bear no more, he trudged along to the cabinet, opened it, and took out the bottle.

"Well. This is it, I suppose. Good bye, Lily," James said mournfully and opened the potion bottle.

Lily quickly disarmed James.

"I was just joking, James," Lily said hastily and magicked the bottle to fly back into the medicine cabinet.

"Oh," James said, bright and cheerful now.

"Besides, Madam Pomfrey might suspect me of murdering you," Lily explained more clearly. "And I don't want that on my record."

"Oh."

"_Fine_. And I would miss your madness and random comments, however bizarre they are," Lily said, sniffing her nose.

"I _knew_ it," James said, looking proud.

"Yeah, yeah," Lily muttered, looking unhappy at this thought.

"So," James said.

"So."

"About my boobs…" James began, as if it was a natural part of any conversation.

Lily rolled her eyes at the ceiling. "_Yes, _Potter? What about your wonderful, new-found body parts?"

"They're _squishy _and **big**."

"Yeah, so?"

"What am I going to _do_?" James moaned, thoroughly depressed by now. "I can't be a girl for _thirty-one_ days!"

"Oh, Potter, sure you can."

"_No_. My reputation's going to be ruined!" James said, wailing uncontrollably.

"Stop, Potter! You sound like a banshee," Lily said in an annoyed tone.

"Sorry, Lily."

"How about you explain the situation to the teachers? Tell them that you're going to pose as an exchange student, say, from Beauxbatons," Lily offered helpfully.

James's eyes lit up. "That's _brilliant_, Lily!"

Lily's cheeks flustered a bit at this compliment. "Thanks."

"I'm feeling _much_ better. In fact, I think I'm going to run over to the guys' dorm and show these babies off!" James informed, grinning wildly, and giving a quick wave at Lily, took off.

Lily sighed, and oddly enough, felt that the room was rather empty without James.

She slept, wanting the gnawing feeling to get out of her head…and mostly out of her heart.

o.O.o.O.o

"You lucky stag!"

"_Blimey_."

"Can I touch your melons, please?"

James stood in the center of the room, showcasing his newly developed chest. He grinned as each Marauder took their turn gazing intently, and scowled as Sirius groped him repeatedly.

"_Stop_, Pad! That is _homosexual_. Fruity, you know," James said, looking highly irritated at his chest being squeezed so many times involuntarily. "I'm still a guy inside."

Sirius snorted loudly in disbelief. "To hell with that! You're stuck in a _girl's_ bod, Prongsie dearest."

James blanched. "You don't mean…_You're going to **rape** me?_"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "_No_, Prongs, I'm not. I _am_ however, going to feel you up any chance I get, and I'm also going to charm you into sleeping with me…voluntarily." He smirked widely.

James eyes bulged open. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. THAT IS MORALLY CORRUPT AND **WRONG**, SIRIUS ORION BLACK! You _bastard_. Get your eyes off my chest, _now_."

"Oh, shut up, you sodding twat," Sirius said, looking annoyed, "I was just messing with you."

Remus was still shaking his head at having this conversation in the first place. "So what are you planning to do, James?"

"I dunno, Moony. Lily suggested that I pose as a girl, and I think that's what I'm doing," James said, shrugging his shoulders.

"That's a good idea, actually. You need a new appearance, a new name," Remus said thoughtfully, nodding to himself.

"Prinscilla," Peter said, piping up.

"Attaboy, Wormy," Sirius roared, slapping Peter's back rather hard. Peter winced and slowly massaged his shoulder tenderly. "Good name, Prinscilla."

"Prinscilla Adams," James said, "From Beauxbatons."

"Oui!" Sirius said, grinning. "C'est formidable."

James looked puzzled at his burst of French. "You know French?"

"Ah, oui, monsieur!" Sirius grinned cheekily. "I've been giving _many _girls numerous French lessons. One could say I'm a master."

Remus rolled his eyes at this comment and cleared his throat. "_Anyways_. It seems that Prongs need a makeover." Then, giving a rare mischievous smile, he pushed James onto his cot.

"Hey!" James cried, looking surprised. "What the bloody hell was that for, Moony?"

He got no response. Instead, various objects were being flung towards his head.

"Here, try this," Sirius said and threw over a bright blue, voluptuous bra. It tangled itself into James's already messy hair.

"Where'd you get _this_?" James asked in amazement as he got the bra out.

"Nicked it," Sirius said casually, and threw over some other things at James's beds. Makeup products, razors, mirrors, hair styling supplies, and girls' clothes found their way at James's feet. How his friends had this many girl items, James would never know. But then again, ninety-two percent of the things on the floor belonged to Sirius. '_And Sirius did have a way with girls_,' James was grudgingly forced to admit.

"Nice," James murmured as he fingered a lacy black thong that Sirius threw over soon after. "Nicked this too, Padfoot?"

Sirius gave a knowing smile. "Nah. It's mine."

James's eyes bulged out again. "_Yours_?"

Sirius coughed loudly. "Never you mind, Jamesie. Just try it on, and we'll see."

"Umm, I think I'll stick to my boxers, thanks."

"Here's a smaller school robe too, Prongs," Remus said, handing him the set.

"Thanks."

Twenty-one minutes later, James emerged from the bathroom, looking highly humiliated.

Sirius whistled suggestively. "Looking _good_, Prongsie."

Remus nodded. "More girlish."

Peter smiled and added. "I'd shag you."

All three other pairs of eyes fell on Peter. A pregnant silence followed.

James choked, turning rather red. "Please don't ever say that _again_, Peter."

Peter, feeling the attention on him, dropped his head to his feet. "Sorry. Didn't mean it."

Remus cleared his throat, breaking the awkward moment. "So."

"My nose is peeling," James announced, looking cross-eyed at his nose, and pointing dramatically. "It's _flaking_. This has **never** happened before!"

"Prongs, use this moisturizer on your face daily. Twice—once before you go to sleep, and the other time after you wash your face in the morning. It's tinted too, so it gives you nice golden glow," Sirius said expertly, brandishing a large tub of tinted moisturizer in the air. "Girls' faces are usually more sensitive, which makes them peel more."

Another awkward silence.

"Padfoot, do I need to know why you're stocked on _tinted moisturizer_?" James asked, looking appalled.

Sirius barked a forced laugh and hastily said in an uncertain voice. "Er—nicked it too?"

James visibly relaxed at these words and obediently put on the moisturizer, squeezing out a large amount generously.

"Oh, I can't take this anymore," Sirius groaned dramatically and quickly ran over and grabbed James's boobs.

"AHHHHHHHHH! GET YOUR BLOODY HANDS OFF _NOW_! THIS IS SCARRING ME FOREVER! _DISTURBING IMAGES_," James shouted frantically, batting away Sirius's offending hands.

Sirius looked embarrassed as he continued to do scandalizing things to James's chest. "It's the bra—_it's _bewitched! My hands are automatically attracted to boobs in that bra," Sirius tried to explain, feeling up James in the process.

James looked horrified. "I'd never thought I'd do this, out of respect to my fellow men, but…"

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOW!"

Yes, James Potter had kneed Sirius Black in the gonads.

Ouch.

As Sirius was doubled over on the floor, James quickly ran into the bathroom to snap the bra off and drown himself in the nearest toilet.

"_EUUUUUUURGH_," James wailed, sobbing hysterically at being molested by another guy. He stuck his head in the toilet, and was careful to remove his glasses first.

"Oy, Prongs! I **think** I forgot to flush the toilet…" Peter called out, trying to be helpful.

The splashing stopped, followed by a loud curse and disgusted cries. "ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHH!"

Remus shook his head at the sad actions of his friends.

James came out of the bathroom, looking greatly harassed and revolted. His face was an odd shade of yellow. Perhaps it was the tinted moisturizer. One should hope so. But, those odd brown things sticking in his hair…

"I just dunked my head in **_pee_**. And some floating, broken up _feces_. _PEE AND POOP_. Tell me how this could get any worse."

Oh, but it did.

Sirius, now mostly recovered from James's deadly kick, stood up, leaned over, and groped James's boobs again.

"I DON'T HAVE THE BLOODY BRA ON!" James shrieked violently.

"I know," Sirius said, looking remorseful. "I think I'm just attracted to boobies."

"**_Bugger_**."

* * *

Author's Note:

An extra long one to satisfy you people out there. Hopefully, I'll get like 100 reviews for this lovely piece of work, right?

I wish.

I think I passed all my exams! Yay.

Thanks, and please, _please_ **REVIEW!**

**I accept anonymous reviews**, so you don't have to sign in! Just pop one in.


	6. VI

**Bits and Pieces**

By: neen

* * *

Kudos to summer! big smile

Anyways. Please review, so I can see if people actually like this or I need to be dragged down to an asylum…Enjoy.

* * *

**VI.

* * *

**

The next day, the lovely new Prinscilla Adams went to classes. Decked out in full girl gear.

Repeatedly, guys went up to Prinscilla and demanded that she go out on a date with them.

And every single time, James would respond with a casual shrug and say, "Jane say pah."

Each time, the boys would scuttle away, and look up the meaning of 'jane say pah' in the French-English dictionary to no avail. The term just wasn't in there.

They were annoyed too, by the fact that Prinscilla seemed to like the Marauders quite a bit. In fact, they got along quite suspiciously like old friends, or worse, _lovers_.

"You know, Prinscilla, you've been saying the term wrong. It's _je ne sais pas_," Sirius said in an elegant French accent to James who finished shrugging off yet another boy.

"Oh. Jane say pah, right?" James asked cheerfully.

"No, no. You're saying it wrong," Sirius said impatiently. "Repeat after me. Je."

"Je."

"Ne."

"Ne."

"Sais."

"Sais."

"Pas."

"Pas."

"Got it?" Sirius asked, looking proud of his teaching methods. Fool-proof. Worked every time.

"Yep."

"Now link them together. Je ne sais pas," Sirius ordered firmly and pronounced very slowly.

''Jane say pah,'' James said eagerly, thinking he was, no doubt, correct.

The sound of Sirius slamming his head down into the table was audible.

BAM. BAM. BAM.

Remus pried Sirius away from the offending desk and sat him up. "Patience, Padfoot. Patience is a virtue."

"Virtue my _arse_," Sirius said shortly, waving away Remus with irritation. "James is a blockhead."

"Blockhead?" James's head snapped up, looking dangerous. "I am _not_ the one who got _hit _with letter blocks when I was an infant!"

"Oh, yeah?" Sirius was standing up now, but then sat back down angrily when Remus pulled on his sleeve and shook his head furiously. "And just _who_ happened to hit me with them, eh, _Prongs_?"

"_Padfoot,_" Remus said warningly. Sirius let it go.

"Whatever, _Prinscilla_," Sirius said huffily, slamming his arm down on his table.

"Je ne sais pas," James said randomly, and in perfect pronunciation.

Sirius blinked. "That's right."

"I know."

"So you made me bang my head in annoyance, even though you knew how to say it?" Sirius asked dangerously.

"Yeah. I get _bored_, Padfoot," James said and then puffed out his chest. "Here, have a go, if you'd like."

Sirius's anger vaporized immediately and he lunged forward rapidly. "Okay."

"Hey!" James shouted indignantly. "I didn't think you were serious!"

Sirius winked openly. "_Oh_, but I **am **Sirius!"

Remus whacked him on the back of his head. "Shut up, Padfoot. That thing's old by now."

"But it's ever so funny!" Peter said eagerly, but merely got ignored.

"_PRINSCILLA_!"

An audible gasp was heard. James and Sirius turned around, caught in the act. Sirius held onto James's one-day old boobies for dear life.

It was Philip Cady, looking absolutely shocked as Sirius felt James's boobs.

"Er, bonjour?" James said, weakly.

"You must not understand, coming from France," Philip explained in a slow voice, tugging Sirius's hand away with full force. "Sirius Black is _molesting _you!"

"She likes it," Sirius said with a wide grin.

Philip promptly ignored Sirius's claim and continued to speak to James very tenderly. "I know it might be a dreadful shock, having someone do that to you! Absolutely horrifying. I'm embarrassed to say that Black is of the same gender as I."

"Er—" James looked at Sirius for support.

"Je regrette. Évidemment, tu n'as pas compris le premier temps. Elle adore _moi_," Sirius said smugly.

Philip looked at him with a blank expression on his face. "What?"

Sirius cracked a grin. "I'm _sorry_. Evidently, you didn't understand the first time. She loves _me_," Sirius said extremely slowly, mimicking the way Philip spoke to James. "MEEE!"

Philip looked highly offended at this and turned away quickly, wiggling his butt as he did so.

"What a priss," Sirius commented lightly, causing James to laugh.

Remus nudged James in the ribs. "Alert. _Lily_'s coming."

"To our table?" James yelped in surprise, and turned to see that Lily was definitely coming to their table.

James cleared his throat, making it into a deeper voice. "Hullo there, Lily."

Lily laughed her famous tinkling bell laughter that caused James to hang onto her every word. "Cut the voice, James. I already know that you deepen it around me. Besides, people might suspect that you're actually—the _horror_—a guy!"

"Oh," James said sheepishly. "How's your throat—the allergies and stuff. Sorry about that before."

Lily flustered a bit. "Oh, that—I'm fine, thanks. It's all right."

"So," James began conversationally.

A bell rang, signaling classes.

"Oh, but I didn't have time—" Lily said, looking depressed.

"Can I walk you to class?" James offered, looking at Lily adoringly.

"Ah, yes, sure," Lily said, stumbling a bit. _That's never happened before_.

Together, they trudged through the busy corridors and hallways of Hogwarts, attempting to get to their next class, Transfiguration. James made sure to give Lily ample personal space.

"Oh, _come here_, you breastling," Lily sighed in exasperation, giving up at last. She pursed her lips together, ready.

James's eyes widened. "Lily, that's my nickname to _snog_ you senseless!"

"I know."

"So what are you—_oh_." Realization hit James quite hard. "**_OH_**."

"Yes, _oh_," Lily said impatiently, her lips still resembling that of a fish's.

"Fur-ball, we _can't_! Not in the middle of everythi—mmphf."

So, in the middle of the bustling hallway, with numerous amounts of onlookers, they kissed. Around them, fireworks burst happily and bubbles gently floated down…

And one boy looked on with great sadness. With a depressed wail of outrage, Severus Snape cried loudly, "_NOOOO_! PRINSCILLA!"

James and Lily finally broke the kiss off. James turned to cast a revolted look at Snape, who was sobbing uncontrollably. James raised his eyebrows, having never seen Snape shed a tear, even after that quite humiliating incident James had put Snape through..

"Prinscilla! You're _gay_ with _Evans_!" Snape pointed out in a horrified voice.

"Ah, well, erm—" James started off eloquently.

Lily began to laugh loudly, then in a very quiet undertone, she said, "Oh—dear, _Snape_! Take a good look at lovely Miss Prinscilla. _She's_ actually James Potter."

Snape stopped sniveling. "**_What_**?"

James paled. "_Lily_! You said, didn't you? You're not supposed to say! Like all other fanfiction out there, you're supposed to keep it a secret. But wait, no, we're already out of the fanfiction bound with the whole very public kissing when I'm a girl. We were supposed to sneak around very naughtily and all—"

"I HAD A CRUSH ON _JAMES POTTER_," Snape exploded, interrupting James's ponderings. Snape was turning rather green himself. "A _guy_. I'm—I'm _homosexual_!"

People turned around to glance at him curiously, seeing that he had seemingly admitted that rather randomly.

"Ah, Snape, but didn't we already establish that?" James asked him lightly.

Snape moaned loudly. "I'm _homosexual_. A fruity. A swirly. A zig-zag. A non-fellytone pole—"

"Telephone, Snape," Lily corrected breezily.

"—A testosterone-lover. A—"

"We get the idea, Snivvy," James cut in quickly, thoughts of Snape liking him thoroughly disgusting him.

"But those boobs…" Snape said, trailing off, his eyes falling onto James's large chest.

James self-consciously folded his womanly arms over them protectively. They've already been fondled one too many times by Mr. Black. "_Yes_. I have boobs."

"Are they real?"

"EURGH, _SNIVELLUS_!" James cried in outburst and furiously said, "_Of course_ they're real!"

"Ahh…Potter has boobs!"

"Yes, yes," James continued heatedly, and seeing that there was no one else in the corridor, said, "I _do_."

"Can I touch them?"

"_EURGH_! **Hell no!**" James shrieks out in alarm and his expression molded into one of enormous repulsion.

Lily, on the other hand, was watching this situation with great amusement.

"Oh, but _Potter_!" Snape said passionately. "There's no need to be shy—we're both guys! There's no one around, anyways."

"AAAAARGHHHH!" James gave out a shout of annoyance and fright as Snape leaned over quite close. James, having a feeling that Snape was about to either rape him or sexually molest him, quickly backed off and hid behind Lily, who was not laughing anymore.

"_James_!" Lily hissed with a hint of bemusement, "_What_ are you trying to do? We all know that Snape is probably a registered sex offender in Nova Scotia! _Must_ you put me into these situations?"

"Sorry, Lily dear."

Sighing, Lily pulled out her wand and **_poof_**! She magicked on some very female parts onto Snape.

"BOOBS!" Snape cried out joyously, his hands rapidly targeting them.

Lily rolled her eyes, and shoved James, who had given out a cry of fright, to their next class.

o.O.o.O.o

James was sitting quite still and looking quite pale.

Suddenly, he gave out a moan of deep despair, causing Lily, who was sitting in front of him to glance back and give a knowing, sympathetic smile.

"What's wrong, mate?" Sirius asked from beside him, and casting him a strange glance.

"Snape," James offered dully, "wants my boobies."

"**WHAT**?" Sirius asked, looking positively outraged. "But that's inhumane!"

"I know," James mumbled, looking thoroughly depressed. "I think I'm going to jump off the Astronomy Tower."

"That's absolutely _horrid_ of him to do that! **_I'm_** supposed to be the only one that wants your boobies! Me, alone," Sirius continued, and then hearing James's declaration, quickly asked, "Does that mean you'll leave your boobies behind?"

James gave out a large groan, making McGonagall eye him closely. "Adams! Transfigure that desk into a large animal of your choice."

James lazily pointed his wand and transfigured it into a large cow.

"AGH! I was thinking of Snape at the moment," James said and quickly retransfigured it into a large fluffy dog.

"Ooh, nice doggy!" The class murmured in agreement.

"You were thinking of _Snape_?" Sirius asked, looking horrified. "What? You like him, or **_worse_**, you were planning on letting _him_ fondle your puppies too?"

James mentally smacked himself in the head.

Suddenly, a dazed-looking Snape came in and giggling, said, "I'd like to tell everyone of my undying love for James Potter. _Hi_, James!" He quickly pressed his new boobs, courtesy of Lily, together with his hands, causing many students to snigger and McGonagall to look absolutely horrified.

Quickly, James ducked before any accusations could be hurled at his head.

"Well, buh-bye now!" Snape said, emitting a high-pitched giggle and left, making sure to blow kisses at James's way.

"Prinscilla, was that directed towards _you_?" McGonagall asked sharply.

"Er, no?"

Author's Note:

Yay, off for a little vacation! No worries, it's only for a day, so I'll be back tomorrow afternoon!

Enjoy and please, please **review**!

I do accept **anonymous** reviews!

Thanks.


	7. VII

**Bits and Pieces**

By: neen

Woo! Part Seven's here…geez, I really update this story, don't I? You spoiled people.

Anyways. Please review, so I can see if people actually like this! Enjoy.

* * *

**VII.

* * *

**

The next few days passed without much incident.

Unless you count Snape's constant love declarations for James towards who people thought was 'Prinscilla'. He even went so far as to fling his arms around James's legs passionately.

Or if you think that 'incident' can be used for when Sirius managed to attach his hands to James's boobs with a Sticking Charm that needed four hours until it wore off.

_Or_, if you consider Lily constantly dragging James into the shady cupboard on the second floor every day between classes for a quick snog fest, then yeah, maybe there _were _a lot of incidents.

However, that pales in comparison to today.

Why, you ask?

Because, dear one, today for the first time in his life, James Potter saw blood.

On his knickers.

_Ohhhhh_.

So, you're thinking that James went to find Lily and screamed his head off about getting his period and desperately begged her for a tampon and a tutorial.

Well, you're partly right.

James did scream his head off. But for another reason.

_He_, due to the excitement of becoming a girl dying down days ago, had promptly forgotten there was such a thing as a female menstruation cycle.

Instead, he thought he was dying.

So, quickly, he ran into the Common Room, hoping very much that Lily was in there and not upstairs in her dormitory.

And so she was, staring into the fireplace with a mixed expression on her pretty face.

"**_LILY_**!" James shouted, so glad to see her. "I'm dying! So much—I've lost _so_ much! I don't think I have much time left!"

Lily's face quickly turned into an alarmed and concerned one. "What, James? What's the matter with you? What did you lose? Weight? Brain cells? Blood?"

At her last word, James nodded frantically. He paled as he nearly shouted with fear, "Yes! _Blood_!"

Lily inspected James quickly, her brow furrowing with concentration. "I don't see any bad injuries on you, James. Where are you talking about?"

James lowered his voice to a whisper. "That's because I have—cervical cancer or something!"

"Cervical cancer makes you lose blood?"

"Erm—" James pondered over this a minute, then quickly said, "I dunno, but this is drastic! There's so much _blood_ on my undies!"

Lily looked startled before a smile spread across her face. "James, you dolt! You have your period!" Lily grinned brightly.

James's eyes widened quite big. "_Excuse me_? My **what**?"

Lily rolled her eyes at James's shocked reaction. "Remember? I reminded you that day already." She then smirked. "What, so _now_ you need a tampon?"

James looked rather disgruntled. "I can't believe this! I have to suffer through _this_?"

Lily's smirk grew bigger. "Of course! And yes, I will very kindly give you a tutorial on how to use feminine hygiene products."

Lily magicked a small container bulging with objects from the air.

She smiled wickedly. "So, James, do you want to stick something up your arse or do you want to wear a diaper?"

James blanched even more. "Erm, what if I don't want either?"

Lily cackled. "Well, I guess you're going to have to keep bleeding the entire day, and people will be staring at your buttocks."

James fidgeted uncomfortably. "Um, does the stick tampon thingy hurt?"

"Well," Lily paused for dramatic effect, "it depends."

"It depends!" James shrieked loudly. "On _what_?"

"If you stick it in properly, of course."

"Oh. I think I'll go with the diaper. Pad, that's what it's called, right?"

"Good choice for your first time," Lily said, nodding. Then she held out an array of brightly colored packaged pads. "Now, depending on your blood flow, you will need either a normal-sized maxi, a super maxi, or an overnighter. Since you've told me you've lost _so_ much, we'll stick an overnighter for you."

James moaned as Lily beamed.

Lily instructed him on how to place a pad in line with his underwear.

"This sucks."

Lily chuckled lightly at his comment. "Well, thankfully for both you and me, you only have to suffer through this one time."

James nodded, agreeing with her.

"Now, be a good boy…or should I say girl?" Lily smiled, and continued, "Go put your cute little diaper on!"

"Fine," James grumbled and went inside the girl's bathroom.

Five minutes later, he emerged, looking very uncomfortable and waddling a deformed penguin walk.

"Euuuugh. It's so **bulky**, Lily!" James complained, feeling his behind with his hand. "Does it look too bad?"

He turned around, letting Lily view it. Lily had to admit, James's pad was poking through quite a lot. It indeed looked like he had a square butt.

But on the other hand…Lily could still see the form of his butt, and she had to say, he was giving a _very_ fine view. Not that she would ever tell him that, of course.

"Lily? Is it really _that _bad?" James asked worriedly.

"Nah. Just squeeze in your butt a bit when you walk. If you sit on it long enough, it'll eventually mold to your butt shape," Lily quickly said before James caught her staring at his butt.

"Oh, okay. Thanks, Lily," James said, sighing in great relief.

"Sure," Lily said, shrugging. "And don't forget to change every couple of hours, or else you're going to give off a nasty smell like something just snuffed it in the attic."

"Okay."

A silence passed over the two.

James then noticed that Lily was staring at him strangely. _Probably because I just asked her on how to put in a maxi pad correctly…I bet she doesn't get that much from guys_. "Lily, why are you looking at me like---mmpfh!"

Lily had closed in the space between them, smashing her mouth into his.

Slowly they broke apart.

Lily looked confused, then slightly embarrassed. "I have no earthly idea why I keep doing that…it's just that you're so damn…so damn _attractive_. Or your lips actually."

James ruffled through his currently long, flowing hair that was naturally curly. _Very curly_. "Thanks, I guess. You're very attractive too. Yours lips as well."

Lily flushed. "T-thanks."

Suddenly, they noticed that about ten pairs of eyes were on them.

So they weren't alone. Crappity crap it.

Their fellow Gryffindors were looking very shocked and whispering amongst each other.

"—Did _you_ know!—"

"—_No_! I didn't realize that _Lily Evans_ was—"

"--Gay!--"

"--Lesbian!--"

A bolder Gryffindor girl walked up to Lily and James. She paused before asking casually, "I guess this is it, then? You two have come out of the cupboard?"

Lily didn't say anything, as she didn't know_ what_ to say. How was one supposed to respond to that without letting James get embarrassed?

James, on the other hand, was furiously denying it, and with his quick thinking, said, "Non! Eet eez ze French way to greet someone! _Mwah, mwah_! Come here, you _Britain _girl! Let me greet you!"

The girl, now wearing a horrified expression on her face, quickly screamed, "AHHH! The French, they're all crazy!"

Another Gryffindor murmured to a close friend, "_Please_ remind me to never step in France. Those weird customs that I'll never understand…"

Frantically, the rest of the people departed, not wanting to be caught by James and be 'greeted'.

"Well," James said cheerfully, "that solved everything!"

Lily could not contain her laughter. "_Prinscilla_, please do greet me again!"

With a sly smile, James waddled over expertly, making sure to squeeze in his butt, and acquiesced to her request.

* * *

Author's Note:

Yes! This was an incredibly great chapter to write! You have no idea how glad I am that summer is here…!

Oh, and to all French people, sorry if I offended you…I could think of no other way to present it! My apologies.

Enjoy and please, please **review**!

I do accept **anonymous** reviews!

Thanks.


	8. VIII

**Bits and Pieces**

By: neen

Alrighty, number eight is fresh out…review please!

Anyways. Please review, so I can see if people actually like this! Enjoy.

* * *

**THIS IS THE FINAL CHAPTER. **_El fin_.

* * *

Maybe some other random, funny stories will come out later, but I'm currently working on three others….so it'll probably be a while. Try those out if you're in need of a read…Thanks for reading this!

* * *

**VIII.

* * *

**

Over the next few days, Lily was being _constantly _greeted by Miss Prinscilla, who had finally gotten used to the uncomfortable wedging due to her lovely friend, **THE PERIOD**.

So goes the rumor, Lily and Prinscilla had gotten to be quite good friends. _Excellent _friends, one might say, judging by how many times Prinscilla managed to greet Lily in one hour.

Which happened to be quite a _lot_.

Erm, Like now.

"Mmm, hello to you too, _Prinscilla_," Lily said, grinning as James surprised her with a sudden kiss.

"I don't believe you like other people's 'hello's quite as much as mine," James said, giving a slight smirk as Lily reddened to her hair color.

"Well, they _are_ something, Boobs. I must admit," Lily said, referring back to her nickname for James, looking quite seductive.

"I _know_, Fur-Ball."

Lily's breath caught in her throat as he said her nickname. Her eyelashes fluttered quickly, she tilted forward to meet James's lips for the second time in two minutes.

As they both leaned over to kiss, someone interrupted them angrily, pushing the two apart with great strength. He glowered at the redhead, with a hint of malice.

"NowEvans, really! What in heavens are you two trying to do?" An oily-haired, sour-faced Slytherin by the name of Severus Snape came over, prying the two away forcefully, to Lily's and James's dismay. "You two mustn't do that!"

Lily cocked an eyebrow up, looking at Snape with mild interest. "What's gotten into you, Snape? It almost seems like you _like_ dear Jamesie here…Getting jealous?"

Snape flushed red, the color clashing with his normally pumice-colored skin. "And what if I do?"

James looked horrified at these words. James choked a minute, which earned him concerned looks from both Lily **_and_**, to his great horror and disgust, _Snape_. He gagged out, looking highly revolted, "Please tell me you were just kidding when you said that, Snivelly."

Snape shook his head, looking oddly cheerful as he said, "Nope. It seems, dear Potter, I have fallen madly and crazily and passionately in love with…_you_. I've always had a secret fetish for wild, unkempt midnight black hair. I just want to run my fingers _all _through it…By the way, I think Snivelly is an absolutely romantic nickname."

"Merlin's beard," James breathed out, his face blanching, staggering backwards a bit as Snape leaned over to grasp James's long girly hair. "_No one_ touches Mr. Jamie's hair!"

Lily's heart wrenched painfully as she heard Snape's words. _That _was weird. So what if Snape liked James? It's not like James liked Snape back or anything…but _still_.

Suddenly, Sirius came bouncing into the corridor out of seemingly nowhere. "Prongsie dearest! Er—I mean, hello there _Prinscilla_!" He suddenly spotted Snape and sneered at him. "Hullo there, _Snivellus_. Enjoying the sight in front of you?"

Snape blushed, and Sirius seeing this, smirked, knowing his trusty little love potion had been working quite well for the past couple of days. _Ahh, the great joy fake love can bring at others' expense_. His smirk widened.

"Well, ta ta, Snivelly," Sirius said, charming the said person to walk off in a very stiff manner out of their sight. "Won't be missing you!"

James was still shaking slightly from the shock he had just endured with Snape ultimately confessing his great love for him. "Oh _Merlin_. I didn't see that one coming at _all_…"

"Of course not," Sirius said happily, grinning manically. "**I **did, though."

"You _did?_" Both Lily and James asked in an incredulous voice at the same time. They looked at each other with identical bewildered expressions on their faces.

Sirius nodded and beamed brightly, quickly explaining to both people, "You see, I spiked his daily draught of pumpkin juice a week ago with an extra brew of love potion. The spell doesn't wear off until tomorrow. Absolutely bloody brilliant, aren't I?"

"YOU!" James cried out lividly and made for Sirius, but was unfortunately for him, blocked by Lily, who was trying to assuage James from grinding Sirius's face with his foot.

"Oh, c'mon, James. It was just a harmless prank. You can't say that it wouldn't have been funny if it was to someone else?" Lily asked soothingly, pulling James off of Sirius, who looked quite scandalized.

James slowly breathed in and out to settle his nerves. "Fine. Sod off, Padfoot. That was _stupid_."

Sirius pouted, but obediently left the two alone in the hallway.

Turning back, James met Lily's eyes.

The two stared at each other a moment before Lily cracked, unable to keep it in anymore, and her eyes fell to the ground, determined to stare there for the rest of eternity.

"James?" Lily addressed fearfully, looking quite pale as she said this to the floor.

"Yes, Lily?"

"I think—I reckon that I might _fancy_ you," Lily said in a hoarse whisper, not being quite able to bring her face to meet his.

James paled, quite unlike him. "You're admitting your homosexuality to me? You prefer _girls_ after all this time? _Merlin_, I didn't see **that** coming either!"

Lily rolled her eyes, bringing her eyes to look at James's astonished and depressed facial expression. It was so like James to ruin the moment. "_No_, you insolent pillock. I meant _you_, James Potter, boy, and snogging extraordinaire. _Not_ the girl you, Prinscilla Adams."

"**_Oh_**. I see, now."

"Yes. So…" Lily prodded, getting a bit impatient with this.

"When I get into my guy body, would you like to go out sometime?" James asked, looking hesitant as he did so.

Lily beamed. For once, James had done the right thing. "That sounds lovely, James. I'd like that."

"AHHHHHHHHHHH! _Quick_, Lily! Punch me in the eye," James requested.

"Erm, okay," Lily said, and without question, popped a black eye onto James.

"**Ouch**. Good aim," James said, acknowledging her punch with a nod. "I'm definitely not dreaming."

Lily sighed with an expression of automatic slight irritation. "No, you're not."

"And you're not following the script anymore?" James asked, looking suspiciously at Lily.

Lily shook her head. "_That _thing? No, I ditched it in the dumpster weeks ago. It's more fun to live out our lives like this. Don't you think so?"

James grinned and then clutched his head dramatically. "I'd never thought the day Lily Evans would go out with me was when I was a _girl_. Of all days…" He trailed off, chuckling.

"You only have three minutes left of being a girl, James," Lily reminded, checking her watch. "I remember, that day I had an allergic reaction…it seems so far away now. I must be insane, but I'm actually _glad _it happened."

"I knew that cologne worked wonders," James grinned brightly. "It seems that we're in dire need of a celebration. What say you to that?"

"I agree," Lily said, smiling as well.

"Well, who am I to keep the lady waiting?" James winked at her suggestively and kissed her deeply.

By the time they were finished, James had long returned to his normal body.

James took a glance at his body and a frown formed on his lips.

"_Aww, _I'm going to miss those boobies. They were **_so _**fun to squeeze!"

"I'm sorry for your ah, erm—loss." Lily said, not sure _how_ to respond to that particular comment.

"Can I squeeze yours instead?"

"**_JAMES POTTER_**!"

"Fine, Fur-Ball," James pouted cutely and leaned in for another quick snog before they headed off to their next class.

Just as he did so, Lily felt the unmistakable squeeze of her right boob by a very masculine hand. Highly offended, her eyes popped open, revealing her bright green, and currently angry orbs. She brandished her wand expertly, ready to reprimand and hex James into the next year, but James was long gone, only traces of his delighted chuckles trailing behind.

* * *

Woo, the end of it all! Yeah, it was only supposed to be a one-shot…but you see, things got quite out of hand. I hope you all liked it…and please check out **ODDS AND ENDS**, which I am going to be updating more and more over the next few weeks.

Thanks again for sticking with me! It was a pleasure to write this.

Thanks, and please, _please_ **REVIEW!**

**I accept anonymous reviews**, so you don't have to sign in! Just pop one in.

**GO READ _ODDS AND ENDS_**!


End file.
